Happy Birthday to ME and YOU, Whenever Your Birthday Is
If You Get the Birthday Blues, This Post Is for You…
Me, Making My Birthday Wish Last Year
So many of my clients, friends, and family experience some low (or high!) key angst or sadness around their birthdays. I used to be like this too! Since my birthday is a couple of days away, I thought it would be a great time to share all that I know and understand about the whys behind all of us feeling this way, so that we can shift out of lower frequency feelings into ease, gratitude and even JOY around our birthdays.
Society and social media say birthdays are supposed to be a ton of fun - full of celebrations and loved ones and gifts and surprises and excitement and so much more. So, why do so many of us feel the exact opposite as our special day nears? If this is not you, AMAZING! And if it is, the answer is nuanced and depends on who you are and where you are in your journey in life.
Years ago, Courtney Cooke, my dear friend and one of the most talented healers I know, shared some messages from my Angels, Allies, and Ancestors during a birthday Akashic Records reading. The fact that remains etched into my consciousness from that session is that birthdays are a big marker of time for human beings. Not just birthdays but all holidays that feel big for us. While time is not real in a greater quantum physics sense, it is very real for our human selves experiencing our own particular reality on Earth. So, when the birthday (or Mother’s Day, or New Year’s Eve, or whatever holiday gets us down…) comes to pass - this marker of time ignites a subconscious comparison, or assessment, of what we assumed our reality would be (or should be based on our particular programming and judgments) at this point in our lives versus what our reality actually is. It’s also a reminder of how much life we have lived, how much time we have left, the relationships we have and have lost, the experiences we have experienced and long to experience, the past and the future, all wrapped into one day full of expectations we might not even recognize we carry. And most of this isn’t even conscious!
Then come the nuances and particularities of each of our lives. How much we hope to be celebrated vs. what actually transpires that day. How many people share us on their IG stories vs others we see who are celebrated that way. (I beg of you, please remember that a huge part of these acts are performative in nature and have little to do with how much someone truly loves and values you!) The person who loves surprises but wasn’t surprised. The person who hates surprises but had to grin and bear the birthday surprise (ME!). The singe of missing someone you used to celebrate with. The excitement (or mortification depending on who you are - again ME lol) of publicly being sung happy birthday to in a busy restaurant. The heart-wrenching dread of waiting for that one special person to wish you a happy birthday - when they don’t. Childhood birthday memories (good and not so good). And especially when you did the exact thing you wanted to on your birthday - and were celebrated exactly how you’d hoped - but you still felt MEH regardless. Or a million other little and big ways you might feel let down by the day that is supposed to be so amazing!
No matter what the reason is though, the most important thing to remember, and the thing that will almost immediately start making you feel better, is to recognize that feeling blue around your birthday is totally NORMAL! The fact is that by their very nature, birthdays and holidays create expectations and expectations lead to disappointments. That’s just how expectations go. And it’s okay to feel whatever you feel on your birthday. Exactly as you feel it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your life. I promise! This simple act of accepting that you might not be feeling fking amazing on, or around, your birthday and releasing the expectation of it being otherwise, will feel like a huge, authentic sigh of relief.
As for me, I was so sick of feeling weird around my birthday that after Courtney and I had that conversation, I decided that I’d spent enough birthdays feeling weird and off in some way or another and that I was no longer in alignment with that reality! So, I employed some boundaries to shift the vibe around my birthday. It’s only been a few years but thus far it’s worked beautifully and I have had some amazing birthdays filled with JOY and FLOW and GRATITUDE. So, I’m sharing what I do with you - take what feels good, leave what doesn’t, and create your own birthday rituals. In no particular order…
I give myself the day off of work and give myself the gift of PRESENCE
I wake up early and almost immediately spend time in nature with Palo Santo (my pup!) • whether it’s a hike with a friend or a solo sunrise walk along the beach • I make the time to commune with Pachamama • I thank Her for my blessings • I drop energetic roots into the Earth • release what no longer serves me and welcome all the gifts She wants to bestow upon me for my birthday
I stay disconnected from my phone as much as possible on the day of my actual birthday • I do this to stay PRESENT and CONNECTED to what I’m actually doing and who I’m with • it also creates energetic boundaries so that if I hear from someone I’d rather leave in my past - or if someone I really care about forgets to wish me a happy birthday - I’m unbothered
I take some solo time to reflect and journal • what things am I ready to let go of and what things do I want to create space for • if there is a big pattern or issue that has been nagging me, I ask for support from my Angels, Ancestors, and Allies • I allow space for meditation
I never wake up hungover or intoxicated on my birthday or the days leading up to it • I keep my brain chemistry as even-keeled as possible
I’ve communicated my needs around celebrations • everyone with whom I might spend my birthday knows I dislike surprises and servers singing happy birthday to me in a crowded restaurant • as you can see above, I prefer close friends in an alleyway LOL
I do NOT spend time with people who I don’t REALLY want to be around (even if they are close family and/or friends I truly LOVE) • if I don’t feel absolutely fking amazing around a person, I don’t hang out with them on my birthday • I highly recommend learning the art of politely declining invitations because martyrdom sucks for everyone involved
I LOVE a good ritual so I set aside the time for one or more • the details vary each year depending on what I need and what I’m calling in (or releasing) but it always involves, nature, sacred smokes, herbs, oils, candles, and fire • this act is truly transformational!
I plan something fun to do • it can be little or big depending on my schedule but I make sure I’m doing something that feels 100% celebratory to ME • some examples: took a solo trip to Paris and had the best time • invited a small group of old school LA friends I ADORE out for a celebration (no kids, no significant others, all fun, no drama) • went for an all-day kayaking trip in the Florida Keys (just a chill day spent laughing under the mangroves) • I traveled to Seattle with my Mama because I was born there and we hadn’t been back there together since (it was so much fun and so healing too!)
I leave S P A C E in my schedule for flow and magic • it’s a day of pure presence which leaves room for JOY, GRATITUDE, and true enjoyment
I hope you have a beautiful birthday whenever yours is! If you have a ritual or something you do that you’d like to share with me please comment below. These acts and realizations I shared with you have shifted my perspective on the nature of my feelings, changed my relationship with birthdays, and so much more… I am always open to adding more to this list.
